Kids at funerals

Yesterday we buried my grandma after a long bought with Alzheimer's disease. I'll admit to not having seen her in 10 years when she moved from Michigan to Tennessee. I couldn't bring myself to watch as this disease  slowly took her away from us. As she got worse, she would tell my mom and dad that I had come to visit her. At first they would try to convince her that I didn't and that I lived in Georgia (at the time). My mom one time asked her what I was wearing and she mentioned a little white dress and bonnet. There is a picture of me in a little white dress and bonnet playing the piano at her old house when I was maybe 2 years old. Grandma was going back and remembering me as a baby and really thought that I was visiting her. We no longer argued that I wasn't there. If she believed it, and it made her happy, then let her think I was really coming to visit. Seeing me as an adult would just confuse her more.

I wasn't going to take the kids to the funeral as they would have to miss a day of school, inevitably have work to make up, and give me one more thing to have to deal with at the funeral, but I decided that I really needed to take them, not only for the kids but also for the other family and guests. I think that kids at funerals have a way of reminding us that life, does in fact, go on. If it wasn't for my grandma, my kids wouldn't be here...my dad wouldn't be alive, which means that I wouldn't, and therefore my kids wouldn't. My grandma's heritage is in her grandkids and great grandkids.....all 9 grandkids and 18 great grandkids

Kids also have a way of lightening up a mood at a funeral. When we went up to the casket, my kids, the youngest of whom had never met my grandma, stood there staring at the body with some confusion and concern in their eyes. We talked about death and I explained it by using an analogy of a glove. When we take our hand out of the glove, the glove is still there, but the hand inside it is gone. The same is true with death. When someone dies, they leave their body. The body is still there, but the person them self is with Jesus. After we sat back down, Jacob asked me if he could go back up to the casket and look again. I told him that he didn't need to and asked him why he wanted to. He took a deep breath and said "Because I need to make some more memories of her".  I had to giggle a bit but told him we'd look at some pictures and talk about some memories. After the funeral was over, he asked me where Papa (my dad) was and that he had to go find him. I pointed him in the direction and he gave my dad a huge hug and said "Papa, I'm so sorry about your mom. But don't worry. She's safe with Jesus now". It's these moments at a funeral that help us smile. Kids can be so in tune with the spirit world and so in tune with emotions and feelings. 

Then there are the downright humerous moments.  My cousins little boy is 6. He's watched grandma go through the battle with this disease as he lived near her in TN and saw her often. As he and my nephew (age 5) were standing by the casket at the wake, my nephew was a bit wide eyed and concerned. My cousins little boy comes up and says "She looks great! You should have seen her before!" It's a moment we will talk about for a long time.

Carson was right! Grandma truly did look great! The funeral home did a great job with preparing her and she looked just like the grandma that I remember. As I look back on the day, the flowers were beautiful, but will quickly be forgotten. The service was nice, but not something I'll remember 5 years down the road. But the things my kids said and did will live with me forever. I think it's important for them to see the raw emotions that happen at funerals. I think it's important for them to start to form an understanding of life and death. I think it's an important part of family dynamics to have the kids around. It's important to also have an understanding of the child and their ability to cope at the funeral and there are several important things to know and remember when making the decision on whether to bring the kids.

1. Kids often don't have the fear of a deceased body that adults think they do. While they may be a bit stand offish or stand back several feet from the body, they often have an intrigue and once it's explained, they settle in and embrace the situation. 

2. Remember that young kids understand things on a very simplistic level. Don't try to over complicate with too many details and information. Give information as kids seem to be asking for it.  

3. Allow the child a say in the process. If when the family goes up to the casket, if the child seems to not be handling the situation as well as hoped, do not force them to go up with you. Allow them to sit in their seat until you return. Kids often know better than we do what they are able to handle in a situation like this one. 

4. Prepare the child ahead of time as much as is possible. Kids like to have the 'facts' and understand the basics. Who, what, when, where and why go a long ways in explaining the details. Explain to them who all will be there and what will be happening at each step. For my kids, we explained on the way that they would see a lot of people crying because this is a sad day for many people. We explained that their great grandma would be laying in a big 'box' and that she would look like she was sleeping.  When we sat down in the service, I explained to them what was going to happen next. I talked about the pastor was going to talk to us about grandma and heaven and her being with Jesus now. At the end of the service, I explained that now everyone was going to be dismissed and they would walk past the casket to say their last goodbyes and that the family would stay behind to say our goodbyes together. When we were leaving the funeral home for the cemetery  we stopped for a second to look into the back of the hearse and explained they would put grandma in the back and drive very slowly to the cemetery  There were lots of questions on the way about why we were able to go through the red lights, why we were driving so slowly, etc. 

5. Allow children the freedom to ask questions. 

6. I believe that it's important to have kids at a funeral of someone who they may not be as 'close to' in the beginning. By exposing them to the process and the emotions, it allows them to better understand, and have fewer questions, down the road when they may have to attend a funeral for someone closer to them such as a grandparent, a classmate or close family friend. 

7. Lastly, remember that kids grieve in their own way. Some of them may cry, and that's ok. My 11 year old didn't know my grandma, but just the raw emotions of those around her affected her. She  saw my mom crying and went over and hugged her and as she was hugging her, a tear trickled down my daughters cheek. Each child needs the freedom to grieve in the way they see fit, just as we as adults all grieve differently. 

The kids will be kids but the compassion they can bring and the emotions they can share can live on forever in the heart of the grieving.



My Grandma's Obituary:  Grandma, We love you!!!

HIBBS, VICTORIA (Wilkinson Lokey); of Ashland City, Tennessee, formerly of Pontiac; went home to be with her Lord on October 22, 2012; at the age of 83. Preceded in death by her husband, Raymond M. Hibbs; and her daughter, Rachel Cross; loving mother of Raymond D. (Julie) of Pleasant View, Tennessee, Ronald (Roberta) of Waterford, and Michael of Pleasant View, Tennessee; mother-in-law of Charles Cross of Pontiac; beloved grandmother of 9 grandchildren and 18 great grandchildren; also survived by her husband, James Lokey; and sisters, Marguerite Stuart, Mildred McCarrick, Vivian Mettler; and many nieces and nephews. Victoria worked at several area restaurants and apartment complexes before moving to Tennessee ten years ago. Funeral Services will be Friday, October 26, 2012, 11 a.m. at the RIVERSIDE CHAPEL, Simpson-Modetz Funeral Home, 5630 Pontiac Lake Road, Waterford. Officiating Pastor Roger Sykes and Pastor Michael Elliott. The family will receive friends at the funeral home Thursday 3 to 8 p.m. Interment Perry Mount Park Cemetery. Memorials may be made to Avalon Hospice. Online guestbook 
www.modetzfuneralhomes.com